"Is lying about brushing your teeth something to drop for my 11-year-old son? As we are pressing into the teenage years I am questioning what is worth not letting go because it is still lying which I don't want to condone."

Lying is unacceptable and wise parents don't ignore it or condone it. The wise parent does two things about lying:

1. AVOID THE 'DID YOU?' SITUATIONS - Very few humans, including adults, are like young George Washington in the cherry tree story. Most people, including children, tend to lie to protect themselves. If the youngster didn't brush his teeth, and the parent asks, "Did you brush your teeth?" the answer will probably by a lie. So, why ask in the first place? A better approach might be to say, "I hope you're protecting your teeth by brushing. I've been a little worried for you since I pay for the good dentist reports and you pay for the bad ones. I hope you get a good report from the dentist." And, yes, a Love and Logic parent would have the child pay for the bad report. We don't make hollow threats. Remember that sincere empathy preceeds the consequence. "How sad, a bad dentist report. Do you want to use your allowance money or what? Could you use a hug?"

2. LYING EARNS CONSEQUENCES - In the event that a child tells a lie, the generic Love and Logic consequence, called the "Energy Drain" technique, can be used. "Son, I know that you lied to me about talking back to your teacher. That's not acceptable in this family. I spent a long time on the phone talking with your teacher about your behavior, and didn't get my own work accomplished. I'll let you know later how you can replace the time and energy I used up dealing with this." This boy can do some housework to replace the parent's "drained energy."

Remember that the child's job is to test the limits, and your job is to enforce them.

We all want our kids to have a better life than we did. These days, that's more challenging than ever before. You're overwhelmed, your kids are distracted, and schools don't do a very good job of preparing them for the real working world.

You need to be involved in their education, make sure they get good grades, and send them to a decent college, but that's all more or less a given. The most important factor in how successful your kids are in their careers come down to what they learn from you.

Some of it comes from lessons you intentionally teach them, but even more comes from observing what you do. Your behavior may very well have more to do with how well your kids do in the real world than anything else. Here's what you can do to give them the best chance of making it on their own:

Support what they love to do; don't push them to do what you want them to do. It's a common refrain from parents: "I don't want them to make the same mistakes I made growing up." Well, you can't fix your mistakes through them. You'll only succeed in screwing up their lives as well. Success comes from doing what you love to do, what you're passionate about, not what you're forced to do or pushed into doing.

Teach them to take risks. If they succeed it'll give them confidence, but if they fail they'll learn even more. Let them make their own mistakes and learn to take responsibility for the outcome. I know it's hard to watch them try new things and fall on their faces, but to be honest, it's really important that they get used to that. Don't coddle them. Hold them accountable. And let them see you do the same. Let them see you as you are: Human, genuine, flawed.

Teach them about the value of money and financial responsibility. If they see you treat money like it grows on trees, they'll emulate that behavior. If on the other hand you teach them self-reliance, not to expect handouts from anyone, that'll pay off in the long run. They need to know that their success and happiness depends solely on them.

Let them be kids. Social skills aren't just important for kids to be kids; they're critical for adults to be successful in the business world, as well. Sports, friends, relationships, parties, being out and about, it's all good. Sure, they'll have accidents, get into fights, and do things you wish they wouldn't, but if you're open and encourage them to come to you with their problems, then you can mentor them on how to get along and learn from their mistakes.

Treat them like adults. When children are little, they have giant egos. Growing up is all about learning that the world doesn't actually revolve around them. For that transition to work, they need to feel safe and confident enough to take chances. You can help that along by giving them information and encouraging them to make their own decisions. Treat them as much like adults as they can handle and makes sense at the time -- people don't learn lessons from hearing them, they learn from living them.

Teach them about competition and team play. One of the great dichotomies in life is that success is very much about competing and winning, which by nature means others have to lose. That said, there are times when an individual is competing and times when it's a team effort. Knowing the difference is important in the real world, but it's a nuanced lesson, that's for sure.

Encourage their natural curiosity. Children have a natural thirst for knowledge and understanding of how things work. Encourage them to seek that out in books, games, puzzles, whatever interests them. But here's the thing: The modern world of ready-made toys and electronic gadgets is too easy, too spoon-fed, if you will. They'll learn more by creating and using their imagination.

Teach them self-reliance. The sense of entitlement that's becoming a national epidemic is success limiting and a career killer. The real business world doesn't work that way, and the sooner kids learn that, the better. Sure, life is too short not to have fun, but you can't let them take things for granted, either. Their drive to work hard and succeed has to come from them, and the only way that's going to happen is if they learn it from you.

Steve Tobak

We have the privilege of working with kids of all ages and stages at Wings. And partnering with their parents is nearly as rewarding for us but there have been times in the last 37 years that some of us could have benefited from some parent pointers. I ran across a great article a month or so ago and thought I'd like to share it with you here. I'll start with a little story set up this entry and follow with the challenges and 'atta ways later this month. We would love to hear from you. What are some of the things you remember most about playing sports?

Hundreds of college athletes were asked to think back: "What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?"

Their overwhelming response: "The ride home from games with my parents."

The informal survey lasted three decades, initiated by two former longtime coaches who over time became staunch advocates for the player, for the adolescent, for the child. Bruce E. Brown and Rob Miller of Proactive Coaching LLC are devoted to helping adults avoid becoming a nightmare sports parent, speaking at colleges, high schools and youth leagues, to more than a million athletes, coaches and parents in the last 12 years.

Those same college athletes were asked what their parents said that made them feel great, that amplified their joy during and after a ballgame.

Their overwhelming response:

"I love to watch you play."

There it is, from the mouths of babes who grew up to become college and professional athletes. Whether your child is just beginning T-ball or is a travel-team soccer all-star or survived the cuts for the high school varsity, parents take heed.

The vast majority of dads and moms that make rides home from games miserable for their children do so inadvertently. They aren't stereotypical horrendous sports parents, the ones who scream at referees, loudly second-guess coaches or berate their children. They are well-intentioned folks who can't help but initiate conversation about the contest before the sweat has dried on their child's uniform.

In the moments after a game, win or lose, kids desire distance. They make a rapid transition from athlete back to child. And they’d prefer if parents transitioned from spectator – or in many instances from coach – back to mom and dad. ASAP.

Brown, a high school and youth coach near Seattle for more than 30 years, says his research shows young athletes especially enjoy having their grandparents watch them perform.

"Overall, grandparents are more content than parents to simply enjoy watching the child participate," he says. "Kids recognize that."

A grandparent is more likely to offer a smile and a hug, say "I love watching you play," and leave it at that.

Meanwhile a parent might blurt out …

“Why did you swing at that high pitch when we talked about laying off it?"

"Stay focused even when you are on the bench.”

"You didn’t hustle back to your position on defense.”

"You would have won if the ref would have called that obvious foul.”

"Your coach didn't have the best team on the field when it mattered most.”

And on and on.

Sure, an element of truth might be evident in the remarks. But the young athlete doesn’t want to hear it immediately after the game. Not from a parent. Comments that undermine teammates, the coach or even officials run counter to everything the young player is taught. And instructional feedback was likely already mentioned by the coach.

"Let your child bring the game to you if they want to,” Brown says.

Brown and Miller, a longtime coach and college administrator, don't consider themselves experts, but instead use their platform to convey to parents what three generations of young athletes have told them.

"Everything we teach came from me asking players questions," Brown says. "When you have a trusting relationship with kids, you get honest answers. When you listen to young people speak from their heart, they offer a perspective that really resonates.”

So what’s the takeaway for parents?

"Sports is one of few places in a child's life where a parent can say, 'This is your thing,’ ” Miller says. "Athletics is one of the best ways for young people to take risks and deal with failure because the consequences aren’t fatal, they aren’t permanent. We’re talking about a game. So they usually don’t want or need a parent to rescue them when something goes wrong.

"Once you as a parent are assured the team is a safe environment, release your child to the coach and to the game. That way all successes are theirs, all failures are theirs."

And discussion on the ride home can be about a song on the radio or where to stop for a bite to eat. By the time you pull into the driveway, the relationship ought to have transformed from keenly interested spectator and athlete back to parent and child:

"We loved watching you play. … Now, how about that homework?"

Three-fourths of U.S. preschool-aged children are in child care centers, and most of their day is spent in sedentary activities.

To explore why children are not more physically active in child care centers, researchers held a series of focus groups with 49 child care providers from 34 centers in Cincinnati, Ohio. In the study, “Societal Values and Policies May Curtail Preschool Children’s Physical Activity in Child Care Centers,” published in the February 2012 Pediatrics (published online Jan. 4), researchers identified three main barriers to children’s physical activity:

1. injury concerns

2. financial restraints

3. and a focus on academic programming

In response to stricter licensing codes, playgrounds have become less physically challenging and interesting to children, study authors found, and some parents have asked staff to restrict their children’s physical activity to reduce their risk of injury. The small operating margins of most child care centers limit their ability to install abundant playground equipment. And child care providers felt pressure from state mandates and from parents to focus on academics at the expense of gross motor play. Given that time in child care may be the only opportunity for outdoor play for many children, study authors conclude child advocates must think holistically about potential unintended consequences of policies intended to protect children’s safety and learning.

Source: Pediatrics www.aap.org

We'd love to know - Do you have any special ways you show your children that you love and like who they are?  

Few things will be more important in deciding your children’s future than their sense of self-worth. How they feel about themselves will affect who they choose as friends, how they get along with others, and how well they make use of their abilities; in other words, all aspects of their lives. The strategies described below can strengthen your children’s self-worth by let­ting them know you love and value them.

Pay attention to your children. Take time to talk to them, listen to them, and show interest in their activ­ities. Try to find times when you aren’t hurried or tense and can focus just on them.

Express your affection often through physical con­tact. With babies, this means holding and cuddling. As children get older, you can offer hugs, kisses, caresses, an arm over the shoulder, or a pat on the back. Some­times the right words are hard to find, but a gentle hug says it all.

Treat your children with the same respect you show adults. Too often we reserve one set of manners for adults and another for children. We may embarrass our children by scolding or criticizing them in front of others. Or we may get so involved in a conversation we forget their presence. Children are no less sensitive than adults and deserve the same kind of respect.

Tell your children from time to time they are ap­preciated. Don’t wait until they get good grades, or limit your praise to their good looks or manners. Let them know you enjoy them and think they are great all the time.

Respond to your children with patience and under­standing. When children spill their milk for the third time in a row, or hit their siblings over the head with a toy shovel, it’s easy to treat them as criminals. Try, though, to see your child as someone who needs your help in controlling his or her body and emotions.

Respect children’s feelings and abilities. Because of their size, we sometimes forget that children are peo­ple, too. They have a right to privacy and to feelings of their own. We may have to remind ourselves not to carry children when they can get there on their own steam or to speak for them when they can do this for themselves.